Introspection

With her earphones plugged in and hair tied in a messy bun, she made her way back to her hostel. It had been a busy day. She had classes throughout the day and then had worked in the lab till 5 o'clock in the evening. Her neck was stiff, spending hours preparing culture media and performing serial dilution in the lab. The results weren't satisfying and she knew she had to work hard to ace the class. She hummed to the tune blasting in her ears and she lowered the volume to delay permanent ear damage. She looked at the faces passing by, mostly those of strangers. She smiled at the familiar faces and occasionally greeted them by waving her hand. She turned her head to the left and caught a glimpse of herself in the large windows of the book store with overpriced books. Her reflection smiled back at her.

She came back to her room. Turning the AC on, she fell face down on her bed. She turned over and drawing her feet towards her chest, she slowly unbuckled the straps of her shoes and tossed them on to the floor. She stretched her arms and legs out and sighed out of exhaustion. She heard her joints pop and she pushed the hair out of her face. For a minute or two, she stared at the white ceiling. She raised her arms and brought her hands close to her face. She observed her half-chewed fingernails and the skin at the back of her hand. She turned her left hand around. She looked at the wrist. Her fingers brushed against the skin near her hand, touching the blue vein that was barely visible through her skin. Her skin was soft and smooth, the scar had faded away. Her fingers circled around the spot where her scar had been or so she thought.

So much had changed in a year, she thought. She had changed too, she realized. Leaving the safety of her home, she had travelled to a strange place to find some purpose in her life. She came to a new place away from her family, friends and acquaintances; in the hope of getting her life together again. She had a lot to prove to people, especially to herself. She was afraid, very afraid. Afraid of what waited in the world outside.  Initially she had found it hard to wrap her head around the changes that took place. It took her weeks to get comfortable around the strangers who shared a room with her. It took her a week to adjust to the mess food, not to forget mentioning about the mild food poisoning that took place in her first week away from home. She sat in a class full of strangers; she listened to professors who gave lectures in strange accents. Everything was strange and new to her. Yet, gradually she grew accustomed to her new life. Her love life was a constant strain to her mental peace. Her life took another turn after he left.  Only that he never did, coming back again and again until she finally closed the door shut. She was determined to walk away with her remaining ounce of self-respect and she did. She distracted herself by immersing herself into her studies and she started performing well again. She grew mature and more understanding. She found new friends, travelled to new places with them and she started to like the person she was becoming.

She still has days when she’s crippled by feelings of self-doubt. She still has those days when she feels a bit lonely, maybe that’s a feeling that would always be tugging at the corners of her mind. However, she knows how to deal with the monsters inside of her head. She learnt to trust again. Trust people but trust herself, mostly. She was no longer a rudderless boat stranded in the middle of the ocean. She learnt to let go of things and of situations that were not in her control. She’s still learning. And….she learnt that one can fall in love again. She did too.